My problem is, I look for meaning in everything. for the past week, I noticed I have been drowning in the subject of birds. at least 5 times per day i over hear someone saying something negative about them, "I don't care about bird hunters, birds are annoying as shit" or, " I have the biggest phobia of birds, they freak me out anything that flys at me makes me faint"
Josh's mom raves about a European bird that 50 people from all around came to the Scarborough marshes to take pictures of. "black bird singing in the dead of night.. take these broken wings and learn to fly" seeps out of the speakers in my car. what does it mean?
but then, today I found myself driving through Westbrook , really having to pee as usual. so I drove into this McDonald's which was PACKED; cars looped all the way around and there was one parking spot. in the corner of my eye i see this little bird, sitting in the parking lot right behind one of the back tires of a huge SUV. he was still there after i parked and got out of my car. I checked all around his cute little round body and there was no sign of injury. He just stared at me, with his big round eyes. I stooped down and reached toward him to see if he would move. but he didn't budge, letting me rub his polka dotted chest. remembering how badly i had to pee, i ran in and went real fast worrying that he might not move and get run over by that SUV, and came back out. he was still there. he let me pick him up.. and he just looked at me, blinking, so light in my hand almost like nothing. i stroked his soft chest, while i tried calling people but nobody was picking up.
looking around, at all the zooming cars and buildings i realized this wasn't a safe place for him since he didn't feel like flying, or just didn't know how. when i brought him in my car, he was so calm like he knew it was okay.. or maybe he just didn't care? i was on my way to Kim Lee's for lunch, and i figured id let him out at the eastern promenade, thinking it would be the perfect place.. (who wouldn't want a new home on the eastern prom??) I mentioned to Kim Yelena and tom about my weird bird week and they seemed curious as well and amazed . we decided Kim's back yard would be perfect for him but it wasn't. an hour later when josh showed up I took him out to see if we could find him, but all there was were feathers and a dead body.
I have seen a million dead birds in my lifetime. None of them effecting me emotionally, because i can accept the ways of nature. With this tiny helpless bird dead in the grass in the back yard of my friends house, where it had just been alive, jumping up at me saying "dont leave! dont leave!" the tears exploded out of me. i felt so much sadness that i couldn't handle, and josh just stood there holding me, not saying a word, no expression, nothing. just rubbing my back, like anyone who sees just anorther bird dead because of another cat who was just being a cat. and then tonight i see a story on the news about an eagle in Europe that didn't know how to fly, and was taught how to by a man parasailing next to him.
what is the meaning? its nature and I was too involved.
